'Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.'
While my Grandmother was on the ventilator for nearly a month, I chose to see it as a breath from God. Her dear Father whom she trusted with her life, had given her a chance to live and breathe with us just a bit longer. Even though the ventilator is a machine, and technically artificial life, my Father made it possible for her to be on that machine. It wasn't quite her time. Little did I know the impact she would have on my life, and even others.
Grandma finally pulled through, after many weeks, Even towards the end in the ICU, I have many vivid memories of her, who she seemed like, how she acted, and what she went through. I will never forget when they suctioned her sweet lungs out. They had to do it twice. Me being the one interested in medical procedures, I chose to stay. For one, Grandma was coherent at this point, still not herself, but she was there, I thought she might need some support, and it was also sheer curiosity.
Grandma had sarcoidosis, and she had experienced lung failure, so she had a good bit of fluid on her lungs. In order for her to breathe on her own without any help at all, they had to suction the fluid off her lungs. When they do this, they stick a tube in your nose, and channel it down to your lungs. Not a comfortable procedure. Now, mind you, I didn't like seeing my Grandmother being what I call "tortured" but the first nurse that did this procedure was so gentle and helped Grandma get through the procedure. She did it slowly, and would stop if Grandma started crying.I stood beside her, and tried to act as stoic as I could, as she held my hand and stared deep into my eyes, with this look like 'help me, please.' She really didn't understand what was going on. Yes, it broke my heart to see her cry and in pain. No one will ever know what was going through my mind. I just had to wait until it was over, my mom and Meghan came back in to settle her, and comfort her. I just left and found the nearest bathroom, and I cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
Hadn't she suffered enough?
The second time they did this procedure, I thought, well, I didn't like watching it the first time, but she needs someone to hold her hand. I mustered up all the strength, and put on that 'big girl' face, and I grabbed Grandma's hand as he prepared to do the procedure. This time around it was a man, and before he even started the procedure, he had already irritated me. Now, I get extremely protective over family, and no one, I mean no one, does anything to them. I steamed my face up, and kept my mouth shut, again, I knew she needed me. I will never forget this, ever. He was so rough with my precious Grandma. He just shoved that tube in her nose, and down her throat to her lungs. She tried to talk, but she couldn't. I had to look away. It burned me up. Grandma just looked at me, and she had the biggest tears I have ever seen, just falling down her face. One after another, and I couldn't even wipe them away.
Why?
I have nightmares of this man. I really do. I didn't even wait for that prodedure to be over, and I started crying. He said, "I warned you, you shouldn't have stayed." I told him, no, I told you I had already seen the procedure be done. I am upset because of how rough you were with her. I said she has been through enough. Can you not have some mercy? He just shook his head. As if I were crazy, and he just didn't care. I knew right then, when I am a nurse, I will never treat a patient without compassion, and always treat their family with kindness. People don't realize what all you go through watching a loved one suffer, and nearly die many times. The emotional pain, is often more than one can bear.
All this time, I can remember just watching my family. It was always, Mom, Dad, Me, Meghan, Charles, Tillman, and Jenny at the hospital. Grandpa would come here and there, but he couldn't stay long due to his parkinsons. We all took turns staying the night. She was never alone. I remember watching my Father, this was his mother he was watching suffer. The one who always took care of him, and made sure he didn't suffer. This time, there was nothing he could do, there was nothing anyone could do.
It was all in God's hands.
I have always looked up to my Dad. He is just an amazing man, and father. One day he will truly be rewarded for his good works, and his love for all. As his own mother was going through all this, Dad remained so strong, or atleast he appeared strong. I looked up to him for that. Me, I was an emotional basket case. I couldn't function to save my life. Now, when I needed to be there for Grandma, I would, I knew when to turn my feelings off. That is a beautiful gift I have been given. I am weird, yes, make me mad, I turn my emotions off. Just like that, poof. If I were in the room with her, I could contain myself, but anywhere else, I couldn't. I was depressed, we all were. I didn't like crying in front of people, so I would go walk, and find somewhere that I could be alone. Me and God had many conversations this way.
Isaiah 50:10
While my Grandmother was on the ventilator for nearly a month, I chose to see it as a breath from God. Her dear Father whom she trusted with her life, had given her a chance to live and breathe with us just a bit longer. Even though the ventilator is a machine, and technically artificial life, my Father made it possible for her to be on that machine. It wasn't quite her time. Little did I know the impact she would have on my life, and even others.
Grandma finally pulled through, after many weeks, Even towards the end in the ICU, I have many vivid memories of her, who she seemed like, how she acted, and what she went through. I will never forget when they suctioned her sweet lungs out. They had to do it twice. Me being the one interested in medical procedures, I chose to stay. For one, Grandma was coherent at this point, still not herself, but she was there, I thought she might need some support, and it was also sheer curiosity.
Grandma had sarcoidosis, and she had experienced lung failure, so she had a good bit of fluid on her lungs. In order for her to breathe on her own without any help at all, they had to suction the fluid off her lungs. When they do this, they stick a tube in your nose, and channel it down to your lungs. Not a comfortable procedure. Now, mind you, I didn't like seeing my Grandmother being what I call "tortured" but the first nurse that did this procedure was so gentle and helped Grandma get through the procedure. She did it slowly, and would stop if Grandma started crying.I stood beside her, and tried to act as stoic as I could, as she held my hand and stared deep into my eyes, with this look like 'help me, please.' She really didn't understand what was going on. Yes, it broke my heart to see her cry and in pain. No one will ever know what was going through my mind. I just had to wait until it was over, my mom and Meghan came back in to settle her, and comfort her. I just left and found the nearest bathroom, and I cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
Hadn't she suffered enough?
The second time they did this procedure, I thought, well, I didn't like watching it the first time, but she needs someone to hold her hand. I mustered up all the strength, and put on that 'big girl' face, and I grabbed Grandma's hand as he prepared to do the procedure. This time around it was a man, and before he even started the procedure, he had already irritated me. Now, I get extremely protective over family, and no one, I mean no one, does anything to them. I steamed my face up, and kept my mouth shut, again, I knew she needed me. I will never forget this, ever. He was so rough with my precious Grandma. He just shoved that tube in her nose, and down her throat to her lungs. She tried to talk, but she couldn't. I had to look away. It burned me up. Grandma just looked at me, and she had the biggest tears I have ever seen, just falling down her face. One after another, and I couldn't even wipe them away.
Why?
I have nightmares of this man. I really do. I didn't even wait for that prodedure to be over, and I started crying. He said, "I warned you, you shouldn't have stayed." I told him, no, I told you I had already seen the procedure be done. I am upset because of how rough you were with her. I said she has been through enough. Can you not have some mercy? He just shook his head. As if I were crazy, and he just didn't care. I knew right then, when I am a nurse, I will never treat a patient without compassion, and always treat their family with kindness. People don't realize what all you go through watching a loved one suffer, and nearly die many times. The emotional pain, is often more than one can bear.
All this time, I can remember just watching my family. It was always, Mom, Dad, Me, Meghan, Charles, Tillman, and Jenny at the hospital. Grandpa would come here and there, but he couldn't stay long due to his parkinsons. We all took turns staying the night. She was never alone. I remember watching my Father, this was his mother he was watching suffer. The one who always took care of him, and made sure he didn't suffer. This time, there was nothing he could do, there was nothing anyone could do.
It was all in God's hands.
I have always looked up to my Dad. He is just an amazing man, and father. One day he will truly be rewarded for his good works, and his love for all. As his own mother was going through all this, Dad remained so strong, or atleast he appeared strong. I looked up to him for that. Me, I was an emotional basket case. I couldn't function to save my life. Now, when I needed to be there for Grandma, I would, I knew when to turn my feelings off. That is a beautiful gift I have been given. I am weird, yes, make me mad, I turn my emotions off. Just like that, poof. If I were in the room with her, I could contain myself, but anywhere else, I couldn't. I was depressed, we all were. I didn't like crying in front of people, so I would go walk, and find somewhere that I could be alone. Me and God had many conversations this way.
'The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry...
Psalm 34:15
The Lord was good to us during these times. He gave us the strength to go on, and to tackle each new day that was given to us. We trusted that God would take Grandma's sweet precious body in His hands and heal her. Whether he healed her physically, or spiritually (by bringing her home with Him) we just wanted what was in His will. We wanted her to stop suffering.
Grandma was finally moved out of the ICU, and into an area where they would do rehabilitation, and determine where we were as far as the cancer is. I can remember her mental and physical state was very fragile. She was physically there, she was my Grandmother, yes, but her mind was not all back. At times, she reminded me of a small child, not knowing. We never gave up on her, day by day, we stayed by her side, and helped her come out of this state. We talked to her, and told her stories, and talked about things to help her remember her family and the things in her life.
We told her how when she was so sick in the ICU someone was always with her. She would say, I didn't know y'all loved me that much. We did, we loved her more than she could ever know. She was our precious gem. I told her how I would sit in the room with her and just sing, I would sing hymns over and over again, and just watch her monitor. We even told her how Meghan and I painted her toe nails, and washed her hair. She would just smile.
Grandma stayed at Peidmont for another few weeks while they worked on her strength. They couldn't keep her there to do the extensive rehabilitation she needed so they transported her to a nursing home. Luckily, it was one right down the street from where my Grandfather lived, which is not far from my home either. Me and Meghan would go see her every Sunday afternoon. I even had my sunday school kids make her cards and draw her pictures, so I could hang them on the wall in her room. She was delighted to see the pretty pictures accompanied by a bible verse. I would go several times a week and just sit with her, or accompany her as she went to her rehabilitation.
Several weeks passed and she had to go see her oncologist. It had been nearly a month and a half since her surgery. Due to all her complications, they were unable to start any chemo or radiation. No one knew what had happened with the cancer. I remember that day. I went with them to help our with Grandma. At this point, she was pretty much herself, she just couldn't physically do the things she had done before. She needed some help walking, and doing other things. After the oncologist did his examination, he met with My Grandmother, Grandpa, Me, and Dad in his office. He informed us that the cancer had gone too long untreated. He didn't give us much hope. He told us Grandma would need extensive chemotherapy, and radiation to even try to get all the cancer. He was very uncertain. This didn't give us much hope, but our God is real, and nothing is impossible with Him. Again, I chose to be optimistic.
This was the start of a very traumatic, and emotionally draining journey.
Grandma was finally moved out of the ICU, and into an area where they would do rehabilitation, and determine where we were as far as the cancer is. I can remember her mental and physical state was very fragile. She was physically there, she was my Grandmother, yes, but her mind was not all back. At times, she reminded me of a small child, not knowing. We never gave up on her, day by day, we stayed by her side, and helped her come out of this state. We talked to her, and told her stories, and talked about things to help her remember her family and the things in her life.
We told her how when she was so sick in the ICU someone was always with her. She would say, I didn't know y'all loved me that much. We did, we loved her more than she could ever know. She was our precious gem. I told her how I would sit in the room with her and just sing, I would sing hymns over and over again, and just watch her monitor. We even told her how Meghan and I painted her toe nails, and washed her hair. She would just smile.
Grandma stayed at Peidmont for another few weeks while they worked on her strength. They couldn't keep her there to do the extensive rehabilitation she needed so they transported her to a nursing home. Luckily, it was one right down the street from where my Grandfather lived, which is not far from my home either. Me and Meghan would go see her every Sunday afternoon. I even had my sunday school kids make her cards and draw her pictures, so I could hang them on the wall in her room. She was delighted to see the pretty pictures accompanied by a bible verse. I would go several times a week and just sit with her, or accompany her as she went to her rehabilitation.
Several weeks passed and she had to go see her oncologist. It had been nearly a month and a half since her surgery. Due to all her complications, they were unable to start any chemo or radiation. No one knew what had happened with the cancer. I remember that day. I went with them to help our with Grandma. At this point, she was pretty much herself, she just couldn't physically do the things she had done before. She needed some help walking, and doing other things. After the oncologist did his examination, he met with My Grandmother, Grandpa, Me, and Dad in his office. He informed us that the cancer had gone too long untreated. He didn't give us much hope. He told us Grandma would need extensive chemotherapy, and radiation to even try to get all the cancer. He was very uncertain. This didn't give us much hope, but our God is real, and nothing is impossible with Him. Again, I chose to be optimistic.
This was the start of a very traumatic, and emotionally draining journey.
'We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.
Hebrews 3:14
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