'Submit yourselves, then, to God.'
James 4:7
James 4:7
I will never forget how my whole heart just dropped when I heard what the doctor had just said.
No! This can't be! It must be a mistake. I kept telling myself, everything would be ok, he would see. I wouldn't let myself believe that the cancer had gotten worse. At the time, that was the worst thing I thought that could happen. I realize now, how much of a blessing it was for God to allow me the time I spent with my Grandmother, knowing she may not be here very long.
I miss her every day. Even though it has almost been two years since my beloved Grandmother went on to be with the Lord, my heart still longs to hear her voice. I will always miss her. I will always hurt for her. Nothing could ever take away that pain.
I remember being so happy to have her back home. She was much more comfortable there, and I could visit her at anytime I wanted.
At the same time, I was deep in despair. I was lost in my own selfishness. I couldn't see that God had a plan, and there was nothing I could do to change His plan, I had to follow His lead, and listen to Him. Instead, I kept my mind in a state of anger, and depression. As I look back, I know those feelings are normal, and many people probably go through the emotions I experienced, but I also know how much easier I could have made it on myself. And I see now how I could have used some of those emotions in a different way, such as loving my Grandmother even more.
I still wanted to appear strong, and amidst all my anger, I wanted to be there for her. I wanted her to know that I loved her, and I was there to help her with any need she had. She was my Grandmother, and I saw it as my duty. Not only as my duty, but something that I wanted to do.
I went with Grandma to her first radiation visit. They didn't do the radiation that day, but I was able to go with her and hear what all the doctor had to say about the treatments, and better understand what all was going to be happening. That same day, they did her markings so they could radiate her skin in the correct spot when she would later come back. I remember seeing her markings and just experiencing a deep sadness come over me. I just wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't. Remember.. I needed to be strong for her.
I don't think I went to her first Chemotherapy visit. Those days were such a blur, it all runs together sometimes. I did however take her to many of her chemo treatments. It was a privilege to take her, and I loved every minute of it. Now, I hated that she had to go, but I was so thankful for the time I was able to spend with her, just Grandma, me and God.
It took us about an hour to get to the chemotherapy clinic, so we were able to spend time talking while I was driving. I always loved talking to my Grandmother. There were so many memories I cherish even before she was sick, just talking to her. Grandma loved to hear myself and my sister Meghan talk. She would literally drop everything she was doing and talk with us. Now, we did most of the talking. But, I can so vividly see her now, just sitting there, deeply concentrating. She used to love it when we told her funny stories, she would just laugh with us. What precious memories. We were her special girls, and she made sure we knew it.
While Grandma was being treated I would sit in the waiting room right next to where she was at. The treatments usually took 3.5-5 hours. It was a long time, but it was also minutes, seconds, and even hours, I was given with my precious Grandmother. There were often 2 or 3 other people there waiting on their loved ones. One in particular, I became fond of. He happened to be a friend of my Grandparents. His wife was taking chemo as well. It was nice to see them, they always brought a smile to my face. I would sit in that little room, and just talk to him. Knowing he was experiencing the same things as me, comforted me in a way he will never know. I miss him too, one day I will muster up the courage to go talk to him, and let all my feelings come out.
I felt so alone, but yet I was so loved.
I remember one day in particular when Grandma was getting chemo treatments. I had gone into the room where she was to sit and talk with her. When there weren't many people getting treatment, they would let me sit by her and talk to her. We sat there and just chatted about different things, and of course Grandma had to tell the nurse I was her granddaughter, and that I was going to school to be a nurse. She kept telling me that she was hungry, so I got her a snack and she nibbled on that. A few minutes later she looked at me and said, "I want some food, these crackers are not doing it." I giggled, because Grandma was a small lady, and she was not one to just call out that she was ready to eat. She had the nurse looking up restaurants and everything. She cracked me up that day. She finally made her decision, and had me go get both of us something to eat.
I ventured out and found the place the lady had suggested. I returned to the building to find my Grandmother already done with her chemo. She was waiting on me in the waiting room. She asked me if I wanted to go ahead and eat or go home, and I told her it was fine with me if I we went on home, because she could just eat in the car. She kept saying, yea but what about you? You are hungry. I don't want you to have to wait until we get home. I assured her I would be fine until we got home. She ate her food, and offered me some of her food many times, and even tried to get me to pull over at one point, because she was so worried about me.
Here was a lady that was so sick with pain, exhaustion, despair, and who knows what else.
And she was worried about me?
I don't think I will ever forget that day! She has touched my life in so many ways. I just didn't realize it then, it took time for me to see the impression God was leaving on me, from her.
She had a pic line in her right arm, where they hooked up the chemo treatments. The line had to be flushed out twice a day with two separate medications. My mom and I took turns making sure it was done. So, I generally saw my Grandma every day. There were many times when I would go over there, that it would hurt too much to see her. She was so sick. She had began to lose her hair, her body weakened with each day. Most of the time she would be sick to her stomach, often throwing up what little she had eaten.
I would go in, do my thing, and leave. I never made a point to truly show her that I cared about her. I was so lost in my own self pity, that I let myself pull away from her. I let myself sort of move on, deal with the fact that I knew I was losing my Grandmother.
This went on for months. I would go to her house on my way to my classes. Go in, do my thing, go out. I didn't hang around. I would cry the entire way to school I had about a 30 minute drive too, and then on top of that, I had about an hour to spare once I got there. I dug myself deeper and deeper into a depressed state, and farther, and farther away from my Grandmother.
I would get angry at her for the littlest things. I was get irritated, and just leave. It pains me to write this. Knowing what she was going through, and how selfish I was towards her. What a crying shame.
I finally realized how wrong I was, and the good Lord got me back on track. I will never forget this day as long as I live. I had gone to her house that evening to flush her lines, and I decided to hang around for a little while and talk to her. It was something I truly hadn't really done for a while. We sat at the kitchen table and just talked about what was going on, how she felt, and other things. As I sat there, I began to feel so guilty, my conscience weighed so heavily on me. I started crying, and I said, Grandma, I'm so sorry. She didn't understand why I was apologizing to her. I began to explain to her how I was angry that she had the cancer, and I didn't understand why she had to go through all this. I told her how I hadn't been there for her like I should have. I told her how I had just been so selfish, and had pulled away from her. I apologized to her over and over again. Grandma was crying as well, and she kept saying, Jennifer, you havn't done anything wrong. She told me that if she were me, she wouldn't want to have anything to do with her either.
....
............
I felt so low at that point. I said Grandma, I love you, and I want to be with you. She said O, honey, I know you do, don't feel bad. She was so understanding, yet forgiving at the same time. We both sat there and just cried. We cried tears together, dealing with the pain we were both experiencing.
She was such a good Grandma. I couldn't have asked for a better one, neither would I have wanted a different one.
- You will forever hold a special place in my heart, Grandma.... ♥
No! This can't be! It must be a mistake. I kept telling myself, everything would be ok, he would see. I wouldn't let myself believe that the cancer had gotten worse. At the time, that was the worst thing I thought that could happen. I realize now, how much of a blessing it was for God to allow me the time I spent with my Grandmother, knowing she may not be here very long.
I miss her every day. Even though it has almost been two years since my beloved Grandmother went on to be with the Lord, my heart still longs to hear her voice. I will always miss her. I will always hurt for her. Nothing could ever take away that pain.
I remember being so happy to have her back home. She was much more comfortable there, and I could visit her at anytime I wanted.
At the same time, I was deep in despair. I was lost in my own selfishness. I couldn't see that God had a plan, and there was nothing I could do to change His plan, I had to follow His lead, and listen to Him. Instead, I kept my mind in a state of anger, and depression. As I look back, I know those feelings are normal, and many people probably go through the emotions I experienced, but I also know how much easier I could have made it on myself. And I see now how I could have used some of those emotions in a different way, such as loving my Grandmother even more.
I still wanted to appear strong, and amidst all my anger, I wanted to be there for her. I wanted her to know that I loved her, and I was there to help her with any need she had. She was my Grandmother, and I saw it as my duty. Not only as my duty, but something that I wanted to do.
I went with Grandma to her first radiation visit. They didn't do the radiation that day, but I was able to go with her and hear what all the doctor had to say about the treatments, and better understand what all was going to be happening. That same day, they did her markings so they could radiate her skin in the correct spot when she would later come back. I remember seeing her markings and just experiencing a deep sadness come over me. I just wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't. Remember.. I needed to be strong for her.
I don't think I went to her first Chemotherapy visit. Those days were such a blur, it all runs together sometimes. I did however take her to many of her chemo treatments. It was a privilege to take her, and I loved every minute of it. Now, I hated that she had to go, but I was so thankful for the time I was able to spend with her, just Grandma, me and God.
It took us about an hour to get to the chemotherapy clinic, so we were able to spend time talking while I was driving. I always loved talking to my Grandmother. There were so many memories I cherish even before she was sick, just talking to her. Grandma loved to hear myself and my sister Meghan talk. She would literally drop everything she was doing and talk with us. Now, we did most of the talking. But, I can so vividly see her now, just sitting there, deeply concentrating. She used to love it when we told her funny stories, she would just laugh with us. What precious memories. We were her special girls, and she made sure we knew it.
While Grandma was being treated I would sit in the waiting room right next to where she was at. The treatments usually took 3.5-5 hours. It was a long time, but it was also minutes, seconds, and even hours, I was given with my precious Grandmother. There were often 2 or 3 other people there waiting on their loved ones. One in particular, I became fond of. He happened to be a friend of my Grandparents. His wife was taking chemo as well. It was nice to see them, they always brought a smile to my face. I would sit in that little room, and just talk to him. Knowing he was experiencing the same things as me, comforted me in a way he will never know. I miss him too, one day I will muster up the courage to go talk to him, and let all my feelings come out.
I felt so alone, but yet I was so loved.
I remember one day in particular when Grandma was getting chemo treatments. I had gone into the room where she was to sit and talk with her. When there weren't many people getting treatment, they would let me sit by her and talk to her. We sat there and just chatted about different things, and of course Grandma had to tell the nurse I was her granddaughter, and that I was going to school to be a nurse. She kept telling me that she was hungry, so I got her a snack and she nibbled on that. A few minutes later she looked at me and said, "I want some food, these crackers are not doing it." I giggled, because Grandma was a small lady, and she was not one to just call out that she was ready to eat. She had the nurse looking up restaurants and everything. She cracked me up that day. She finally made her decision, and had me go get both of us something to eat.
I ventured out and found the place the lady had suggested. I returned to the building to find my Grandmother already done with her chemo. She was waiting on me in the waiting room. She asked me if I wanted to go ahead and eat or go home, and I told her it was fine with me if I we went on home, because she could just eat in the car. She kept saying, yea but what about you? You are hungry. I don't want you to have to wait until we get home. I assured her I would be fine until we got home. She ate her food, and offered me some of her food many times, and even tried to get me to pull over at one point, because she was so worried about me.
Here was a lady that was so sick with pain, exhaustion, despair, and who knows what else.
And she was worried about me?
I don't think I will ever forget that day! She has touched my life in so many ways. I just didn't realize it then, it took time for me to see the impression God was leaving on me, from her.
She had a pic line in her right arm, where they hooked up the chemo treatments. The line had to be flushed out twice a day with two separate medications. My mom and I took turns making sure it was done. So, I generally saw my Grandma every day. There were many times when I would go over there, that it would hurt too much to see her. She was so sick. She had began to lose her hair, her body weakened with each day. Most of the time she would be sick to her stomach, often throwing up what little she had eaten.
I would go in, do my thing, and leave. I never made a point to truly show her that I cared about her. I was so lost in my own self pity, that I let myself pull away from her. I let myself sort of move on, deal with the fact that I knew I was losing my Grandmother.
This went on for months. I would go to her house on my way to my classes. Go in, do my thing, go out. I didn't hang around. I would cry the entire way to school I had about a 30 minute drive too, and then on top of that, I had about an hour to spare once I got there. I dug myself deeper and deeper into a depressed state, and farther, and farther away from my Grandmother.
I would get angry at her for the littlest things. I was get irritated, and just leave. It pains me to write this. Knowing what she was going through, and how selfish I was towards her. What a crying shame.
I finally realized how wrong I was, and the good Lord got me back on track. I will never forget this day as long as I live. I had gone to her house that evening to flush her lines, and I decided to hang around for a little while and talk to her. It was something I truly hadn't really done for a while. We sat at the kitchen table and just talked about what was going on, how she felt, and other things. As I sat there, I began to feel so guilty, my conscience weighed so heavily on me. I started crying, and I said, Grandma, I'm so sorry. She didn't understand why I was apologizing to her. I began to explain to her how I was angry that she had the cancer, and I didn't understand why she had to go through all this. I told her how I hadn't been there for her like I should have. I told her how I had just been so selfish, and had pulled away from her. I apologized to her over and over again. Grandma was crying as well, and she kept saying, Jennifer, you havn't done anything wrong. She told me that if she were me, she wouldn't want to have anything to do with her either.
....
............
I felt so low at that point. I said Grandma, I love you, and I want to be with you. She said O, honey, I know you do, don't feel bad. She was so understanding, yet forgiving at the same time. We both sat there and just cried. We cried tears together, dealing with the pain we were both experiencing.
She was such a good Grandma. I couldn't have asked for a better one, neither would I have wanted a different one.
- You will forever hold a special place in my heart, Grandma.... ♥
'Don't be afraid; just believe.'
Mark 5:36
Mark 5:36
