Sweet Jesus, make me whole again

My life is incomplete, without Him.

God is so good, all the time.

He truly is amazing. Sometimes we just have to look at all the details in life. It's frustrating when you try so hard to see the good in things, but you don't want to see the good in things. Times are hard. Everyday I hear of someone new that has lost their job. I am so thankful to have a job. I don't always enjoy my job, but it pays the bills, and gets me through school.

I have learned to be thankful for those minuscule details in life that often go unnoticed.

Life is so precious.

Every time we take a breath, it is a gift from God. He truly is amazing to put up with the sin man has created over time.

There is so much to life. So many blessings God has placed on this earth. Yet, we often are in such a hurry, we miss some of the most beautiful opportunities.

I was so blessed to have some time outside the other day while it was warm and sunny. We don't seem to get many of those days here lately, but I have grown fond of the rain and storms. They are such beauty that only God himself can create. While I was outside I decided to photograph my puppies, which I so often am doing. I began to notice the flowers that are blooming around Grandpa's yard. I absolutely love flowers. I think they are beautiful and such an amazing addition to this old earth. I began to photograph a tree with blooming white flowers (the picture on my profile title). I was mesmerized at how beautiful my pictures were turning. I couldn't make myself stop taking these pictures. What a way to preserve God's beautiful, articulate work. I soon began to realize how much I take for granted. Just from a simple flower that so often goes unnoticed.

It's funny how God knows exactly how much we can handle. He always knows exactly when and how to get our attention. Just when I don't think I can take anymore, He slaps me across my face and gets my attention.

I have been learning the hard way, that when I mope around and keep myself upset because of the way things are going, I am only creating a wide open door for the devil to enter into my life. What a shame!
I often wonder, why Jennifer, why? Why would you let yourself lose control of things so much, that you allow the devil to creep into your life? Is God not important to you anymore?
Yes, He is important to me! But, when I allow the devil to creep into my life.. I am setting myself up for failure. I am pulling away from God more each and every second that I am in that state of mind.

I know this post is kind of jumbled.. but my thoughts are all over the place right now. I am having a hard time with a lot of things as I have previously mentioned. I am overwhelmed with thoughts regarding my life, and where I stand. I feel led to do a few things, and make a few new decisions. I am not sure if it is God that is leading me to do these things, or if I have allowed the devil to take too much control over my mind. I have really been thinking and especially praying about many things. I beg of anyone who reads my blog to please pray for me. Please pray that I will listen to God with open ears, and that I will be willing to do His will, not mine. Please pray that I accept God's guidance full heartedly, and that I am fulling serving Him at all times. Please pray that I take my time earnestly praying for my concerns, and that I allow God to work in my life without interruption.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in Me.

-John 14:1

Jesus, Let it Rain...

-"Be strong and take heart, All you who hope in the Lord." 

                                                    Psalm 31:24

I truly am trying so hard to see the good in things. I know God is near, and he is working not only in my life, but my friends.
I have several prayer requests, involving myself, and my dear friends. Times are tough these days.. and my heart is breaking for my friends.

I am also struggling with a few things myself. 

I want Jesus to hold me, and wrap His arms around me.


God is good.

It was but love.....

They nailed Jesus to the cross.

"Father, forgive them, " Jesus gasped. "They don't understand what they are doing."

"You say you have come to rescue us!" people shouted. "But you can't even rescue yourself!"

But they were wrong. Jesus could have rescued himself. A legion of angels would have flown to his side-if he'd called.

"If you were really the Son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!" they said.

And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, he could have just said a word and made it all stop. Like when he healed the little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5000 people.

But Jesus stayed.

You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there.

It was love.

All that I am, I give to You

 

I have decided to shift gears. I haven't written on my blog in quite a while... but I realized that it was not doing me any good to focus on the past. I love my Grandmother dearly, and although her death was hard for me, I should be praising Jesus that she is with Him, and no longer suffering!

Thank you Jesus for helping me realize this!

Things have been hard for me lately.. I need much prayer, and I am working on some life changing things. 

I am having a hard time with my relationship with God.

I have decided to finally re-build it, and become the servant I was intended to be.

Please pray for me, as I try to turn my life around, and learn to put Jesus first again!

...May the angels protect you...

'Submit yourselves, then, to God.'

James 4:7

I will never forget how my whole heart just dropped when I heard what the doctor had just said.

No! This can't be! It must be a mistake. I kept telling myself, everything would be ok, he would see. I wouldn't let myself believe that the cancer had gotten worse. At the time, that was the worst thing I thought that could happen. I realize now, how much of a blessing it was for God to allow me the time I spent with my Grandmother, knowing she may not be here very long.

I miss her every day. Even though it has almost been two years since my beloved Grandmother went on to be with the Lord, my heart still longs to hear her voice. I will always miss her. I will always hurt for her. Nothing could ever take away that pain.

I remember being so happy to have her back home. She was much more comfortable there, and I could visit her at anytime I wanted.

At the same time, I was deep in despair. I was lost in my own selfishness. I couldn't see that God had a plan, and there was nothing I could do to change His plan, I had to follow His lead, and listen to Him. Instead, I kept my mind in a state of anger, and depression. As I look back, I know those feelings are normal, and many people probably go through the emotions I experienced, but I also know how much easier I could have made it on myself. And I see now how I could have used some of those emotions in a different way, such as loving my Grandmother even more.

I still wanted to appear strong, and amidst all my anger, I wanted to be there for her. I wanted her to know that I loved her, and I was there to help her with any need she had. She was my Grandmother, and I saw it as my duty. Not only as my duty, but something that I wanted to do.

I went with Grandma to her first radiation visit. They didn't do the radiation that day, but I was able to go with her and hear what all the doctor had to say about the treatments, and better understand what all was going to be happening. That same day, they did her markings so they could radiate her skin in the correct spot when she would later come back. I remember seeing her markings and just experiencing a deep sadness come over me. I just wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't. Remember.. I needed to be strong for her.

I don't think I went to her first Chemotherapy visit. Those days were such a blur, it all runs together sometimes. I did however take her to many of her chemo treatments. It was a privilege to take her, and I loved every minute of it. Now, I hated that she had to go, but I was so thankful for the time I was able to spend with her, just Grandma, me and God.

It took us about an hour to get to the chemotherapy clinic, so we were able to spend time talking while I was driving. I always loved talking to my Grandmother. There were so many memories I cherish even before she was sick, just talking to her. Grandma loved to hear myself and my sister Meghan talk. She would literally drop everything she was doing and talk with us. Now, we did most of the talking. But, I can so vividly see her now, just sitting there, deeply concentrating. She used to love it when we told her funny stories, she would just laugh with us. What precious memories. We were her special girls, and she made sure we knew it.

While Grandma was being treated I would sit in the waiting room right next to where she was at. The treatments usually took 3.5-5 hours. It was a long time, but it was also minutes, seconds, and even hours, I was given with my precious Grandmother. There were often 2 or 3 other people there waiting on their loved ones. One in particular, I became fond of. He happened to be a friend of my Grandparents. His wife was taking chemo as well. It was nice to see them, they always brought a smile to my face. I would sit in that little room, and just talk to him. Knowing he was experiencing the same things as me, comforted me in a way he will never know. I miss him too, one day I will muster up the courage to go talk to him, and let all my feelings come out.

I felt so alone, but yet I was so loved.

I remember one day in particular when Grandma was getting chemo treatments. I had gone into the room where she was to sit and talk with her. When there weren't many people getting treatment, they would let me sit by her and talk to her. We sat there and just chatted about different things, and of course Grandma had to tell the nurse I was her granddaughter, and that I was going to school to be a nurse. She kept telling me that she was hungry, so I got her a snack and she nibbled on that. A few minutes later she looked at me and said, "I want some food, these crackers are not doing it." I giggled, because Grandma was a small lady, and she was not one to just call out that she was ready to eat. She had the nurse looking up restaurants and everything. She cracked me up that day. She finally made her decision, and had me go get both of us something to eat.

I ventured out and found the place the lady had suggested. I returned to the building to find my Grandmother already done with her chemo. She was waiting on me in the waiting room. She asked me if I wanted to go ahead and eat or go home, and I told her it was fine with me if I we went on home, because she could just eat in the car. She kept saying, yea but what about you? You are hungry. I don't want you to have to wait until we get home. I assured her I would be fine until we got home. She ate her food, and offered me some of her food many times, and even tried to get me to pull over at one point, because she was so worried about me.

Here was a lady that was so sick with pain, exhaustion, despair, and who knows what else.

And she was worried about me?

I don't think I will ever forget that day! She has touched my life in so many ways. I just didn't realize it then, it took time for me to see the impression God was leaving on me, from her.

She had a pic line in her right arm, where they hooked up the chemo treatments. The line had to be flushed out twice a day with two separate medications. My mom and I took turns making sure it was done. So, I generally saw my Grandma every day. There were many times when I would go over there, that it would hurt too much to see her. She was so sick. She had began to lose her hair, her body weakened with each day. Most of the time she would be sick to her stomach, often throwing up what little she had eaten.

I would go in, do my thing, and leave. I never made a point to truly show her that I cared about her. I was so lost in my own self pity, that I let myself pull away from her. I let myself sort of move on, deal with the fact that I knew I was losing my Grandmother.

This went on for months. I would go to her house on my way to my classes. Go in, do my thing, go out. I didn't hang around. I would cry the entire way to school I had about a 30 minute drive too, and then on top of that, I had about an hour to spare once I got there. I dug myself deeper and deeper into a depressed state, and farther, and farther away from my Grandmother.

I would get angry at her for the littlest things. I was get irritated, and just leave. It pains me to write this. Knowing what she was going through, and how selfish I was towards her. What a crying shame.

I finally realized how wrong I was, and the good Lord got me back on track. I will never forget this day as long as I live. I had gone to her house that evening to flush her lines, and I decided to hang around for a little while and talk to her. It was something I truly hadn't really done for a while. We sat at the kitchen table and just talked about what was going on, how she felt, and other things. As I sat there, I began to feel so guilty, my conscience weighed so heavily on me. I started crying, and I said, Grandma, I'm so sorry. She didn't understand why I was apologizing to her. I began to explain to her how I was angry that she had the cancer, and I didn't understand why she had to go through all this. I told her how I hadn't been there for her like I should have. I told her how I had just been so selfish, and had pulled away from her. I apologized to her over and over again. Grandma was crying as well, and she kept saying, Jennifer, you havn't done anything wrong. She told me that if she were me, she wouldn't want to have anything to do with her either.
....
............

I felt so low at that point. I said Grandma, I love you, and I want to be with you. She said O, honey, I know you do, don't feel bad. She was so understanding, yet forgiving at the same time. We both sat there and just cried. We cried tears together, dealing with the pain we were both experiencing.

She was such a good Grandma. I couldn't have asked for a better one, neither would I have wanted a different one.

- You will forever hold a special place in my heart, Grandma.... ♥

'Don't be afraid; just believe.'

Mark 5:36

The air that I breathe...

'Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.'

Isaiah 50:10

While my Grandmother was on the ventilator for nearly a month, I chose to see it as a breath from God. Her dear Father whom she trusted with her life, had given her a chance to live and breathe with us just a bit longer. Even though the ventilator is a machine, and technically artificial life, my Father made it possible for her to be on that machine. It wasn't quite her time. Little did I know the impact she would have on my life, and even others.
Grandma finally pulled through, after many weeks, Even towards the end in the ICU, I have many vivid memories of her, who she seemed like, how she acted, and what she went through. I will never forget when they suctioned her sweet lungs out. They had to do it twice. Me being the one interested in medical procedures, I chose to stay. For one, Grandma was coherent at this point, still not herself, but she was there, I thought she might need some support, and it was also sheer curiosity.

Grandma had sarcoidosis, and she had experienced lung failure, so she had a good bit of fluid on her lungs. In order for her to breathe on her own without any help at all, they had to suction the fluid off her lungs. When they do this, they stick a tube in your nose, and channel it down to your lungs. Not a comfortable procedure. Now, mind you, I didn't like seeing my Grandmother being what I call "tortured" but the first nurse that did this procedure was so gentle and helped Grandma get through the procedure. She did it slowly, and would stop if Grandma started crying.I stood beside her, and tried to act as stoic as I could, as she held my hand and stared deep into my eyes, with this look like 'help me, please.' She really didn't understand what was going on. Yes, it broke my heart to see her cry and in pain. No one will ever know what was going through my mind. I just had to wait until it was over, my mom and Meghan came back in to settle her, and comfort her. I just left and found the nearest bathroom, and I cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

Hadn't she suffered enough?

The second time they did this procedure, I thought, well, I didn't like watching it the first time, but she needs someone to hold her hand. I mustered up all the strength, and put on that 'big girl' face, and I grabbed Grandma's hand as he prepared to do the procedure. This time around it was a man, and before he even started the procedure, he had already irritated me. Now, I get extremely protective over family, and no one, I mean no one, does anything to them. I steamed my face up, and kept my mouth shut, again, I knew she needed me. I will never forget this, ever. He was so rough with my precious Grandma. He just shoved that tube in her nose, and down her throat to her lungs. She tried to talk, but she couldn't. I had to look away. It burned me up. Grandma just looked at me, and she had the biggest tears I have ever seen, just falling down her face. One after another, and I couldn't even wipe them away.

Why?

I have nightmares of this man. I really do. I didn't even wait for that prodedure to be over, and I started crying. He said, "I warned you, you shouldn't have stayed." I told him, no, I told you I had already seen the procedure be done. I am upset because of how rough you were with her. I said she has been through enough. Can you not have some mercy? He just shook his head. As if I were crazy, and he just didn't care. I knew right then, when I am a nurse, I will never treat a patient without compassion, and always treat their family with kindness. People don't realize what all you go through watching a loved one suffer, and nearly die many times. The emotional pain, is often more than one can bear.

All this time, I can remember just watching my family. It was always, Mom, Dad, Me, Meghan, Charles, Tillman, and Jenny at the hospital. Grandpa would come here and there, but he couldn't stay long due to his parkinsons. We all took turns staying the night. She was never alone. I remember watching my Father, this was his mother he was watching suffer. The one who always took care of him, and made sure he didn't suffer. This time, there was nothing he could do, there was nothing anyone could do.

It was all in God's hands.

I have always looked up to my Dad. He is just an amazing man, and father. One day he will truly be rewarded for his good works, and his love for all. As his own mother was going through all this, Dad remained so strong, or atleast he appeared strong. I looked up to him for that. Me, I was an emotional basket case. I couldn't function to save my life. Now, when I needed to be there for Grandma, I would, I knew when to turn my feelings off. That is a beautiful gift I have been given. I am weird, yes, make me mad, I turn my emotions off. Just like that, poof. If I were in the room with her, I could contain myself, but anywhere else, I couldn't. I was depressed, we all were. I didn't like crying in front of people, so I would go walk, and find somewhere that I could be alone. Me and God had many conversations this way.

'The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry...

Psalm 34:15

The Lord was good to us during these times. He gave us the strength to go on, and to tackle each new day that was given to us. We trusted that God would take Grandma's sweet precious body in His hands and heal her. Whether he healed her physically, or spiritually (by bringing her home with Him) we just wanted what was in His will. We wanted her to stop suffering.

Grandma was finally moved out of the ICU, and into an area where they would do rehabilitation, and determine where we were as far as the cancer is. I can remember her mental and physical state was very fragile. She was physically there, she was my Grandmother, yes, but her mind was not all back. At times, she reminded me of a small child, not knowing. We never gave up on her, day by day, we stayed by her side, and helped her come out of this state. We talked to her, and told her stories, and talked about things to help her remember her family and the things in her life.

We told her how when she was so sick in the ICU someone was always with her. She would say, I didn't know y'all loved me that much. We did, we loved her more than she could ever know. She was our precious gem. I told her how I would sit in the room with her and just sing, I would sing hymns over and over again, and just watch her monitor. We even told her how Meghan and I painted her toe nails, and washed her hair. She would just smile.

Grandma stayed at Peidmont for another few weeks while they worked on her strength. They couldn't keep her there to do the extensive rehabilitation she needed so they transported her to a nursing home. Luckily, it was one right down the street from where my Grandfather lived, which is not far from my home either. Me and Meghan would go see her every Sunday afternoon. I even had my sunday school kids make her cards and draw her pictures, so I could hang them on the wall in her room. She was delighted to see the pretty pictures accompanied by a bible verse. I would go several times a week and just sit with her, or accompany her as she went to her rehabilitation.

Several weeks passed and she had to go see her oncologist. It had been nearly a month and a half since her surgery. Due to all her complications, they were unable to start any chemo or radiation. No one knew what had happened with the cancer. I remember that day. I went with them to help our with Grandma. At this point, she was pretty much herself, she just couldn't physically do the things she had done before. She needed some help walking, and doing other things. After the oncologist did his examination, he met with My Grandmother, Grandpa, Me, and Dad in his office. He informed us that the cancer had gone too long untreated. He didn't give us much hope. He told us Grandma would need extensive chemotherapy, and radiation to even try to get all the cancer. He was very uncertain. This didn't give us much hope, but our God is real, and nothing is impossible with Him. Again, I chose to be optimistic.

This was the start of a very traumatic, and emotionally draining journey.

'We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.

Hebrews 3:14

Knowing Him

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield."
Psalm 33:20



I am absolutely certain that coming to know Him as He really is will bring unfailing comfort and peace to every troubled heart...
- H.W. Smith

Knowing Him. Such a beautiful phrase. I love my Father, I truly do. His love surrounds me each and every time I simply take a breath. By His grace, and His grace alone, He enables me to even take a breath. I truly am overwhelmed with His mercy and grace.
His mercy is endless.
His love is more than satisfying. If we would just surrender to His love, one could only imagine the pure, and undying love He has for each one of us.
I often find myself thinking about His love. I long to be even closer to Him. I long to feel the great lengths of His perfect arms. I want to know what it feels like to be engulfed in His arms. He is my shield and my protector.
It takes time to come to this knowing. I had to fall down to my knees, and be at my lowest point before I truly knew God's love for me. Yet, I am still so far away, and I fail Him each and everyday.
The more I long to know Him, and be closer to Him, the dirtier I feel. The more I feel unworthy of His love, and ashamed of how I have loved Him. Why would he want to love me? Then he lays it all out like a brick wall.

"Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say:
Here am I."
Isaiah 58:9

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."
1 John 4:10

When I think about how I have spent so little time with my Father, and how I have set Him aside so many times. I am embarrassed to say that I am a christian, knowing that I truly do not live a life pleasing to Him. The more I seek Him, the more ashamed I feel. He just keeps showing me how much He loves me. He shows me over and over again, that He has a plan, and I need to just let Him do His work.
My experience with my Grandmother was hard. It was tough, painful, stressful, wearisome, and draining. At times I wanted to turn my cheek and not know Him, because I didn't understand. I didn't want to love Him, because to me, He didn't love my precious Grandmother if He would allow this horrific disease to control her body.
I soon realized through His love, and perseverance, how gracious He truly is. There is a beautiful picture portrayed in this story. While I suffered much emotional agony, I was able to glorify God in return. I began to know how deep His love runs. Why would He send His only son to die for me? For my Grandmother? Or even for you? Why would He do all this? Only because His love is endless. His love is like nothing we could ever have imagined.
So why did my Grandmother have to fight a losing battle to cancer?
Why did Jesus die on the cross for your sins and mine?
Because it was all part of His plan.
We may not always see His plan, but it's there.
God had many plans to come from my Grandmother's experience, and from her death. Though it did not become apparent to me until much later, I know more is to come. I look forward to glorifying Him even more from my dealing with her death.
If Jesus hadn't of died on the cross for you and me, we wouldn't be here today. We wouldn't have the glorious opportunity to serve Him, and do His good will. You see, even when we can't see His plan, or don't understand His plan, we should trust Him. He has it all worked out.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:26