Wrapped In His Arms

butterfly ♥

2010-09-09T22:54:00.000-04:00

- Where to start?

Gosh, it has been a while since I have blogged!

Life has been crazy, as I am sure everyone's has! God is good, though, and I know one thing, I am definitely blessed!

My photography has really taken off a great start! I absolutely LOVE taking pictures, and I really hope that I can open up my own studio one day. I have mainly been doing babies and children, but I had the opportunity to take part in two weddings recently, and I already have one booked for next May!! God is so good, and He always provides when the time is right! I am looking forward to seeing where He is going to take me in this business.

I applied to the LPN program, and unfortunately did not get in. I was a bit sad, but I know God has a plan, and it just wasn't His timing. I plan to retake the PSB exam and hopefully score higher, and I will apply again this January! I appreciate any prayers!!

I am also looking for a car. The old grandma mobile has about had it.. she is on her last leg! I really want something new, and sporty, but I am in no hurry, as I do not want a car payment. :)

My little brother is 14 this year, goodness how time flies. It has really hit me hard lately at how much he has grown up, and how there isn't much time left for me to enjoy him while he is young. I love him to death, and it just tears me up knowing he is in high school!!! I have really been trying to be patient and very loving with him. I want him to grow up knowing his big sister would do anything for him. I love him to pieces!!

I am still dealing with some spiritual issues in my life. I know God will open my eyes and lead me in the direction He has planned for me.

I am really going to try and get back into my blogging! It is such a great outlet!!

These are some of my recent butterfly pictures. I hope you enjoy them!

I was the winner!

2010-03-04T00:42:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I entered a contest on Que Sera Sera . It was actually a show us your life that Kelly's Korner hosted, and I found Brittany's link on her blog! Brittany was so sweet, and she gathered all her favorite beauty products and told us all about them in a video! She is awesome, I must say! Thank you so much Brittany! I was super excited when I received my package in the mail. I couldn't wait to get into all the products! I personally love make up, and chap stick, so I was in heaven!
I love the Lip Vitamins! It is truly awesome!
The brushes are perfect!
The mascara is actually the same kind I already use, so that is even better! :)
The eyeshadow is beautiful! I have used it several times already!
The finger nail polish is so cute, I rarely ever paint my nails, but now I feel they must have that color on them!
The soap smells wonderful!!!
... and the perfume.. O MY GOODNESS! I am addicted to it!!! That by far is my favorite!! I love perfumes.. but now.. I have found a NEW all time favorite!!!

Thank you so much for these sweets gifts! When I get around to it, I will take a picture of all them all, and post another blog about them!

Brittany's beauty products video

Mackenzie

2010-03-01T14:20:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more precious than a newborn baby!

2010-02-14T16:53:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentines Day!

"For God so loved the world

that He gave His only begotten Son

that whosoever would believe in Him

should not perish

but should have everlasting life"

John 3:16

Romans 8:28

2010-01-26T16:50:00.000-05:00

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

It can be extremely hard to thank God when things are tough. We have to remember God is still in control, and no matter what is going on, He will lead us in the direction of His will.

I remember when my Grandmother was so sick with cancer. How could I thank Him for that? Through her suffering, she was able to let her love for Jesus shine through. I always knew my Grandmother was so in love with her heavenly Father, but I never knew how much she could love Him when she went through so much. I thank you Lord for what she went through. Even though it was hard, she was able to show me how to truly submit unto you, and how to truly love you, no matter what! It is hard to say those words, but I really do thank Him for the experience. He has been able to use what I went through, in more ways than I could have imagined.

I want to serve Him.

It's not about what we want in life, it's about what can we do to serve.

He is in control and always loves us. Even when things seem out of sorts, God is tell us what to do. Sometimes we just have to be specific, and as God to close the wrong doors, and open the right doors. He listens to everything we say! We should be committed no matter what the circumstance. If we are truly doing the Lord's will, we will be safe. He will protect us, and He will guide us.

The will of God is so much greater than us!

God doesn't have a personal plan, but He has a greater plan, and he wants us to join in His plan and make a difference.

He has things He needs us to do, we just need to join Him.

Be willing to devote our life to honor and glorify Him.

Strive to be more like Him everyday.

Pray to God, He will make everything very clear!

See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise,

redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the spirit,

speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God.

Ephesians 5: 15-21

Lord, I pray that you will help us to listen to you voice. Keep our eyes, and ears open, listening for your soft voice. I pray that you will help us to keep our hearts and minds pure. Father, help each and every person that reads this blog, and all the people that you know are dear to my heart to always be committed to You, no matter what! Sweet Jesus, please help us to be spirit filled Christians that have given our All to You!

In Jesus precious name I pray,

Amen

Mercy

2010-01-22T23:40:00.001-05:00

Mercy

–noun, plural -cies for 4, 5.

1.	compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence: Have mercy on the poor sinner.

2.	the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing: an adversary wholly without mercy.

3.	the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, esp. to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.

4.	an act of kindness, compassion, or favor: She has performed countless small mercies for her friends and neighbors.

5.	something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing: It was just a mercy we had our seat belts on when it happened.

And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their conquerors to show them mercy;
1 Kings 8:49-51

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
Psalm 116:1-3

Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name.
Psalm 119:131-133

Have mercy on us, O LORD, have mercy on us, for we have endured much contempt.
Psalm 123:2-4

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
Proverbs 28:12-14

What Faith Can Do

2010-01-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Lyrics to What Faith Can Do - Kutless

When life throws you a tough call, just remember to have Faith. God is always near, and when it seems He is the farthest away from us, He is right next to us. Always walking with us, and holding our hand. God is good, and I praise Him everyday for his blessings on my life!

Faith Is Deliberate

confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.

-Oswald Chambers

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

God is not a deceiver, that He should offer to support us, and then, when we lean upon Him, should slip away from us.

-Augustine

New Again <3

2010-01-18T13:14:00.000-05:00

decisions..

2010-01-15T21:11:00.000-05:00

Right now, I am at a stand still. I don't know what to do with my life. I am in my early twenties (well almost mid). Single. A nursing student. And I work full time. But, I am at a stand still.

I have always wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. I have been in school for 5.5 years, and sometimes I feel like I am getting no where.

Currently I am awaiting to apply to the program, with the chance that I will not get in.

If you don't already know, the nursing field, as with any medical field, is extremely competitive.

I have always had an extremely compassionate heart. I love to help people, and my heart aches when I cannot. That is one quality that God gave me, and I am so thankful I have this compassion.

Monday night, January 11,2010, as I am sure everyone is aware, a terrible earthquake occurred in country full of poverty and not many opportunities. My heart has ached for these people.

I want to help them!

I need to help them!

I have been thinking all week, O how I wish I had my nursing degree, and I would hop on an American Airlines plane and go help these people. I have racked my brain, trying to figure out a way I can go help them. Obviously I can donate, and I do plan to. I can pray, and I have been praying! But, I long to do more! I long to make an impact.

Just this afternoon, my Dad and I were talking about Haiti, and our church taking up a love offering to donate, and all the horrible things going on. My heart ached even more for the Haitians. Dad began talking about how the airport was shut down for various reasons, and how the Navy's hospital ship was supposed to be on it's way, but they wouldn't be able to dock in the port, because the port was gone.

Navy Hospital ship?

... Wait a minute.. back up.

My mind went crazy. I knew immediately.. I had to get my fingers on some information. This would be an opportunity of a lifetime for me. I have been searching for a way to help people when disaster occurs. I have found a way.

Join the Navy, Jennifer!

Please continue to pray for the Haitians, as they are still searching for their people, and as they are looking for food, water, and medical care. These people need our help. I am also asking that you pray for me. I am still unsure that I am going to join the Navy, but I am looking for information and I am strongly considering it.

Thank you!

Want to help?

2010-01-14T16:39:00.000-05:00

Do you want to help Haitians, but you just don't know how you can? Click on the Hope For Haiti button above, and visit this site. This blog was specifically designed to raise money for the Haitians. You can also visit the compassion international blog and give to them.

Let's continue to keep these poor, hurting people in our prayers!

Please pray!

2010-01-13T13:58:00.000-05:00

Please pray for the people in Haiti! They need all the prayers, support, and help that they can get. If you can send financial support there are several organizations that you can go through.

Also, if you live in the Atlanta area, you are aware of the shooting that occurred yesterday in Kennesaw. There was an ex employee that shot 5, killing two, and critically injuring one. These victims and their families, and anyone else involved need our prayers. Please pray for peace for the families who are immediately affected by this shooting.

that perfect moment

2009-12-29T03:28:00.001-05:00

every second there is a picture waiting to be captured... <3

... all you have is one second...

... and... poof...

there is it... that perfect picture...

caught at the perfect time...

just like every moment..

is perfectly placed on earth...

by His gentle hands...

You are beautiful beyond description

2009-11-17T19:27:00.003-05:00

You are beautiful beyond description
too marvelous for words
too wonderful for comprehension
like nothing ever seen or heard
and who can grasp your infinite wisdom
and who can fathom the depths of You love
You are beautiful beyond description..
Your majesty enthroned above..

and I stand
I stand in awe of You..
and I stand
I stand in awe of You
Holy God to all praises due..
I stand in awe of You!

You are beautiful beyond description
to marvelous for words..
to wonderful for comprehension..
like nothing ever seen or heard..
Who can grasp your infinite wisdom..
who can fathom the depths of Your love..
You are beautiful beyond description..
Your majesty enthroned above

And I stand
I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praises due
I stand in awe of You
and Lord I stand in awe of You
I stand I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praises due
I stand in awe of You

♥

Walking in love is a very challenging walk to walk in. But, it is a very rewarding walk! I am constantly working on myself. My current challenge is trying to walk in love in everything that I do. Glorifying God in everything you do is hard, and honestly virtually impossible. We are human and we sin every day. There is no way around it. Sometimes the harder we try to make things right, and to praise the Father, and glorify Him, the harder it gets. Satan is very much so alive, and he tries in every way to get between our heavenly Father's messengers. We have to remind him constantly that we are with our Father, and he needs to get out of our way.

You can't please the ones that you love. You can't please Him without faith. And, if faith work'eth by Love and your not operating in Love, where does that leave you?

If love and faith are not active there is no pleasure in the relationship.

If our heart is right in our relationship, then we will want them to do the things that we need.

God see's your heart.
If you are not serving the Lord because you want to, because you love Him, because you are willing to, because you are glad to, because of your faith, because of believing it is pleasing to Him..
He doesn't want it..
He won't receive it!!

Give with a heart that wants to give.
Serve the Lord with gladness!!

Sweet Jesus..

2009-11-09T14:13:00.000-05:00

Sweet Jesus..

Will you please wrap your arms around sweet baby Stellan..

Will you please fill his mama with a sense of peace, love, and hope..

Let her feel your perfect love..

Let her know You are there,

and You are in control

♥

Your love is perfect and I know you are there holding the doctors hands steady, and giving them peace and wisdom.

♥

Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.

Ephesians 6:10

♥

Lord, I pray that your will be done today.

We know that no matter what the outcome you will be glorified.

Let his mama be at peace when the surgery is complete

If it is in your will, Father, please let this mama hold her baby alive and well again.

I know you have a plan, and Lord I know you know best.

Your plan is perfect.

I just ask that you help this family be at peace with your plan.

♥

The Lord gives strength to His people; The Lord blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29:11

♥

Please Lord, just send your grace, love, and blessings to this baby and this family.

You know what they need most at this time.

Thank you Father for you love.

Thank you Father for this baby.

Thank you Father for Stellan's mama.

Thank you Father for the words you have given her.

Thank you Father for these knowledgeable physicians.

Thank you Father for the opportunity I have been given in this situation.

Thank you Father!

All these things I ask in Jesus sweet, sweet name.

AMEN!

♥

.. grace

2009-11-08T23:02:00.000-05:00

Amazing Grace

How sweet the sound

that save a wretch

like me

I once was lost

but now am found

was blind

but now I see

Twas grace that taught

my heart to fear

and grace my fears relieved

how precious did

that grace appear

the hour I first believed

Through many dangers toils and snares

I have already come

T'is grace hath brought

me safe thus far

and grace will lead me home

When we've been there

ten thousand years

bright shining as the sun

we've no less days

to sing God's praise

than when we first begun

Grace, Grace

God's grace

grace that will pardon and cleanse within

grace, grace

God's grace

grace that is greater than all our sins..

<3

..grace can..

It was through the grace of God that we can be saved today. God is awesome, and I am reminded of it everyday.

Especially during this season of fall. All the leaves are dieing, but you know.. God has a special way of making death beautiful. Just as when one of his children die, we can rejoice knowing they are only going to see him. They aren't dieing, they are getting a new body. When the leaves die, they die such a beautiful death. We get to watch all the pretty colors as they change during fall.

I am reminded everyday that God never fails. Here lately things seem to be in the way, and a new obstacle occurs everyday. But, the Lord is always near, and he never leaves me alone. His hand seems to grab mine, when I need him most, and He leads me through the waters.

I am forever thankful for His unending love!

God is good!

God is great!

His love is awesome! And I have been given the chance to proclaim it!!

Hallelujah!

innocent love

2009-11-04T23:17:00.000-05:00

Bethany Anne

<3 It was love at first sight...

Unending Mercy <3

2009-11-03T12:58:00.000-05:00

GOD WILL NEVER leaver you empty.

If something is taken away,

He will replace it with something better.

If He denies your request in a certain area,

it is because He wishes

to give you what is best

If He asks you to put something down,

it is so you can pick up something greater.

ROY LESSIN

The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs...

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:11

Prayer works..

2009-10-29T09:43:00.001-04:00

Please pray for this sweet baby boy.

Please Pray for Stellan

2009-10-28T13:34:00.000-04:00

Stellan needs prayer. His little body is working so hard, and is so stressed from this bout of SVT. The SVT started sometime yesterday, and ended in him being intubated, and sedated late last night. Please pray for this sweet baby, and his family.

Here is an update from his mommy's blog this morning:

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/10/birthday-eve.html

- How gracious He will be when you cry out for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you.

Isaiah 30:19

God is truly amazing

2009-10-19T13:53:00.000-04:00

Ecclesiastes 3:11 <3

2009-08-26T13:57:00.000-04:00

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

- Ecclesiastes 3:11

I had the privilege of witnessing the wedding of my wonderful friend Alyssa.

I pray that these two lovely children of God...

will submit their relationship unto the Lord...

and grow together as one unto the Father!

Amen!

♥

A few of my favorite photos.. <3

2009-08-11T12:46:00.000-04:00

-- Begin Blog Hop -->

I ♥ detail

2009-08-08T23:56:00.001-04:00

pink bows ♥ baby blue

2009-07-29T01:16:00.000-04:00

Stellan needs you to pray.

2009-07-27T00:11:00.000-04:00

PLEASE PRAY FOR STELLAN!!!!!!!!!

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Just believe..

2009-07-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

"Don't be afraid; just believe."

-Mark 5:36

Sometimes it is so hard to just believe. Life can be so jumbled and confusing. It's so easy to get caught up in your everyday life, and stress, that we often put God aside. We don't always realize we are doing this.

I am guilty!

I have to remind myself, that I am not perfect, but that if I will seek God's will... my life will be easier in many ways.

It's so easy when we get distracted with life to think of all the negative possibilities, and fall for Satan's ways...

Don't let Satan blow it out!

I continually have to remind myself to seek God's approval. Sometimes it is hard to continually involve God in every aspect of our lives.. But, we should...

because, He deserves to be involved in every decision.. moment.. and thought in each of our lives...

As each day goes by.. I am learning more and more how precious my time with God really is. He is truly amazing.. and I love him more each and every day!

There is no one like our God!

McLinky Blog Hop - 3 things you didn't know about me!

2009-07-14T01:03:00.001-04:00

***

1: I absolutely LOVE photography.
although I am most certainly an amateur, I love to take pictures. I work hard at what I do photograph, and I put much thought into my work.

2: I have two of the sweetest 7 month old chihuahua's. Sophie and Sadie.

3: I am the oldest of four siblings.
They are my world. Meghan, Matthew, and Joshua. I would do anything for them!

***

Simply love

2009-07-07T01:42:00.000-04:00

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."

-Jeremiah 31:3

***Replace this line with your content. This week, on TUESDAY, 7/7/09, the theme is A FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH. Post up one of your favorite photographs and a caption that tells the audience about it. Here is a sample: http://mcklinky.blogspot.com/2009/07/mcklinky-photo-blog-on-tuesday-sample.html Do not change any part of this snippet of code except for this paragraph only.... replace the text that falls between (and includes) the opening and closing asterisks. Be sure to enter your own link to your own blog hop post as soon as the blog hop starts!***

He said come, and I followed.

2009-05-17T23:27:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought I couldn't handle anymore...

Jesus swept me up off my feet and made me new.

I love how God knows just how much you can handle.

God is good!

All the time!

I love Him, and I seek to worship Him.

Sweet Jesus, make me whole again

2009-04-26T01:53:00.000-04:00

My life is incomplete, without Him.

God is so good, all the time.

He truly is amazing. Sometimes we just have to look at all the details in life. It's frustrating when you try so hard to see the good in things, but you don't want to see the good in things. Times are hard. Everyday I hear of someone new that has lost their job. I am so thankful to have a job. I don't always enjoy my job, but it pays the bills, and gets me through school.

I have learned to be thankful for those minuscule details in life that often go unnoticed.

Life is so precious.

Every time we take a breath, it is a gift from God. He truly is amazing to put up with the sin man has created over time.

There is so much to life. So many blessings God has placed on this earth. Yet, we often are in such a hurry, we miss some of the most beautiful opportunities.

I was so blessed to have some time outside the other day while it was warm and sunny. We don't seem to get many of those days here lately, but I have grown fond of the rain and storms. They are such beauty that only God himself can create. While I was outside I decided to photograph my puppies, which I so often am doing. I began to notice the flowers that are blooming around Grandpa's yard. I absolutely love flowers. I think they are beautiful and such an amazing addition to this old earth. I began to photograph a tree with blooming white flowers (the picture on my profile title). I was mesmerized at how beautiful my pictures were turning. I couldn't make myself stop taking these pictures. What a way to preserve God's beautiful, articulate work. I soon began to realize how much I take for granted. Just from a simple flower that so often goes unnoticed.

It's funny how God knows exactly how much we can handle. He always knows exactly when and how to get our attention. Just when I don't think I can take anymore, He slaps me across my face and gets my attention.

I have been learning the hard way, that when I mope around and keep myself upset because of the way things are going, I am only creating a wide open door for the devil to enter into my life. What a shame!
I often wonder, why Jennifer, why? Why would you let yourself lose control of things so much, that you allow the devil to creep into your life? Is God not important to you anymore?
Yes, He is important to me! But, when I allow the devil to creep into my life.. I am setting myself up for failure. I am pulling away from God more each and every second that I am in that state of mind.

I know this post is kind of jumbled.. but my thoughts are all over the place right now. I am having a hard time with a lot of things as I have previously mentioned. I am overwhelmed with thoughts regarding my life, and where I stand. I feel led to do a few things, and make a few new decisions. I am not sure if it is God that is leading me to do these things, or if I have allowed the devil to take too much control over my mind. I have really been thinking and especially praying about many things. I beg of anyone who reads my blog to please pray for me. Please pray that I will listen to God with open ears, and that I will be willing to do His will, not mine. Please pray that I accept God's guidance full heartedly, and that I am fulling serving Him at all times. Please pray that I take my time earnestly praying for my concerns, and that I allow God to work in my life without interruption.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in Me.

-John 14:1

Jesus, Let it Rain...

2009-04-23T23:59:00.000-04:00

-"Be strong and take heart, All you who hope in the Lord."

Psalm 31:24

I truly am trying so hard to see the good in things. I know God is near, and he is working not only in my life, but my friends.
I have several prayer requests, involving myself, and my dear friends. Times are tough these days.. and my heart is breaking for my friends.

I am also struggling with a few things myself.

I want Jesus to hold me, and wrap His arms around me.

God is good.

It was but love.....

2009-04-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

They nailed Jesus to the cross.

"Father, forgive them, " Jesus gasped. "They don't understand what they are doing."

"You say you have come to rescue us!" people shouted. "But you can't even rescue yourself!"

But they were wrong. Jesus could have rescued himself. A legion of angels would have flown to his side-if he'd called.

"If you were really the Son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!" they said.

And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, he could have just said a word and made it all stop. Like when he healed the little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5000 people.

But Jesus stayed.

You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there.

It was love.

All that I am, I give to You

2009-04-10T17:53:00.000-04:00

I have decided to shift gears. I haven't written on my blog in quite a while... but I realized that it was not doing me any good to focus on the past. I love my Grandmother dearly, and although her death was hard for me, I should be praising Jesus that she is with Him, and no longer suffering!

Thank you Jesus for helping me realize this!

Things have been hard for me lately.. I need much prayer, and I am working on some life changing things.

I am having a hard time with my relationship with God.

I have decided to finally re-build it, and become the servant I was intended to be.

Please pray for me, as I try to turn my life around, and learn to put Jesus first again!

...May the angels protect you...

2008-12-10T07:02:00.000-05:00

'Submit yourselves, then, to God.'

James 4:7

I will never forget how my whole heart just dropped when I heard what the doctor had just said.

No! This can't be! It must be a mistake. I kept telling myself, everything would be ok, he would see. I wouldn't let myself believe that the cancer had gotten worse. At the time, that was the worst thing I thought that could happen. I realize now, how much of a blessing it was for God to allow me the time I spent with my Grandmother, knowing she may not be here very long.

I miss her every day. Even though it has almost been two years since my beloved Grandmother went on to be with the Lord, my heart still longs to hear her voice. I will always miss her. I will always hurt for her. Nothing could ever take away that pain.

I remember being so happy to have her back home. She was much more comfortable there, and I could visit her at anytime I wanted.

At the same time, I was deep in despair. I was lost in my own selfishness. I couldn't see that God had a plan, and there was nothing I could do to change His plan, I had to follow His lead, and listen to Him. Instead, I kept my mind in a state of anger, and depression. As I look back, I know those feelings are normal, and many people probably go through the emotions I experienced, but I also know how much easier I could have made it on myself. And I see now how I could have used some of those emotions in a different way, such as loving my Grandmother even more.

I still wanted to appear strong, and amidst all my anger, I wanted to be there for her. I wanted her to know that I loved her, and I was there to help her with any need she had. She was my Grandmother, and I saw it as my duty. Not only as my duty, but something that I wanted to do.

I went with Grandma to her first radiation visit. They didn't do the radiation that day, but I was able to go with her and hear what all the doctor had to say about the treatments, and better understand what all was going to be happening. That same day, they did her markings so they could radiate her skin in the correct spot when she would later come back. I remember seeing her markings and just experiencing a deep sadness come over me. I just wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't. Remember.. I needed to be strong for her.

I don't think I went to her first Chemotherapy visit. Those days were such a blur, it all runs together sometimes. I did however take her to many of her chemo treatments. It was a privilege to take her, and I loved every minute of it. Now, I hated that she had to go, but I was so thankful for the time I was able to spend with her, just Grandma, me and God.

It took us about an hour to get to the chemotherapy clinic, so we were able to spend time talking while I was driving. I always loved talking to my Grandmother. There were so many memories I cherish even before she was sick, just talking to her. Grandma loved to hear myself and my sister Meghan talk. She would literally drop everything she was doing and talk with us. Now, we did most of the talking. But, I can so vividly see her now, just sitting there, deeply concentrating. She used to love it when we told her funny stories, she would just laugh with us. What precious memories. We were her special girls, and she made sure we knew it.

While Grandma was being treated I would sit in the waiting room right next to where she was at. The treatments usually took 3.5-5 hours. It was a long time, but it was also minutes, seconds, and even hours, I was given with my precious Grandmother. There were often 2 or 3 other people there waiting on their loved ones. One in particular, I became fond of. He happened to be a friend of my Grandparents. His wife was taking chemo as well. It was nice to see them, they always brought a smile to my face. I would sit in that little room, and just talk to him. Knowing he was experiencing the same things as me, comforted me in a way he will never know. I miss him too, one day I will muster up the courage to go talk to him, and let all my feelings come out.

I felt so alone, but yet I was so loved.

I remember one day in particular when Grandma was getting chemo treatments. I had gone into the room where she was to sit and talk with her. When there weren't many people getting treatment, they would let me sit by her and talk to her. We sat there and just chatted about different things, and of course Grandma had to tell the nurse I was her granddaughter, and that I was going to school to be a nurse. She kept telling me that she was hungry, so I got her a snack and she nibbled on that. A few minutes later she looked at me and said, "I want some food, these crackers are not doing it." I giggled, because Grandma was a small lady, and she was not one to just call out that she was ready to eat. She had the nurse looking up restaurants and everything. She cracked me up that day. She finally made her decision, and had me go get both of us something to eat.

I ventured out and found the place the lady had suggested. I returned to the building to find my Grandmother already done with her chemo. She was waiting on me in the waiting room. She asked me if I wanted to go ahead and eat or go home, and I told her it was fine with me if I we went on home, because she could just eat in the car. She kept saying, yea but what about you? You are hungry. I don't want you to have to wait until we get home. I assured her I would be fine until we got home. She ate her food, and offered me some of her food many times, and even tried to get me to pull over at one point, because she was so worried about me.

Here was a lady that was so sick with pain, exhaustion, despair, and who knows what else.

And she was worried about me?

I don't think I will ever forget that day! She has touched my life in so many ways. I just didn't realize it then, it took time for me to see the impression God was leaving on me, from her.

She had a pic line in her right arm, where they hooked up the chemo treatments. The line had to be flushed out twice a day with two separate medications. My mom and I took turns making sure it was done. So, I generally saw my Grandma every day. There were many times when I would go over there, that it would hurt too much to see her. She was so sick. She had began to lose her hair, her body weakened with each day. Most of the time she would be sick to her stomach, often throwing up what little she had eaten.

I would go in, do my thing, and leave. I never made a point to truly show her that I cared about her. I was so lost in my own self pity, that I let myself pull away from her. I let myself sort of move on, deal with the fact that I knew I was losing my Grandmother.

This went on for months. I would go to her house on my way to my classes. Go in, do my thing, go out. I didn't hang around. I would cry the entire way to school I had about a 30 minute drive too, and then on top of that, I had about an hour to spare once I got there. I dug myself deeper and deeper into a depressed state, and farther, and farther away from my Grandmother.

I would get angry at her for the littlest things. I was get irritated, and just leave. It pains me to write this. Knowing what she was going through, and how selfish I was towards her. What a crying shame.

I finally realized how wrong I was, and the good Lord got me back on track. I will never forget this day as long as I live. I had gone to her house that evening to flush her lines, and I decided to hang around for a little while and talk to her. It was something I truly hadn't really done for a while. We sat at the kitchen table and just talked about what was going on, how she felt, and other things. As I sat there, I began to feel so guilty, my conscience weighed so heavily on me. I started crying, and I said, Grandma, I'm so sorry. She didn't understand why I was apologizing to her. I began to explain to her how I was angry that she had the cancer, and I didn't understand why she had to go through all this. I told her how I hadn't been there for her like I should have. I told her how I had just been so selfish, and had pulled away from her. I apologized to her over and over again. Grandma was crying as well, and she kept saying, Jennifer, you havn't done anything wrong. She told me that if she were me, she wouldn't want to have anything to do with her either.
....
............

I felt so low at that point. I said Grandma, I love you, and I want to be with you. She said O, honey, I know you do, don't feel bad. She was so understanding, yet forgiving at the same time. We both sat there and just cried. We cried tears together, dealing with the pain we were both experiencing.

She was such a good Grandma. I couldn't have asked for a better one, neither would I have wanted a different one.

- You will forever hold a special place in my heart, Grandma.... ♥

'Don't be afraid; just believe.'

Mark 5:36

The air that I breathe...

2008-11-20T11:48:00.000-05:00

'Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.'

Isaiah 50:10

While my Grandmother was on the ventilator for nearly a month, I chose to see it as a breath from God. Her dear Father whom she trusted with her life, had given her a chance to live and breathe with us just a bit longer. Even though the ventilator is a machine, and technically artificial life, my Father made it possible for her to be on that machine. It wasn't quite her time. Little did I know the impact she would have on my life, and even others.
Grandma finally pulled through, after many weeks, Even towards the end in the ICU, I have many vivid memories of her, who she seemed like, how she acted, and what she went through. I will never forget when they suctioned her sweet lungs out. They had to do it twice. Me being the one interested in medical procedures, I chose to stay. For one, Grandma was coherent at this point, still not herself, but she was there, I thought she might need some support, and it was also sheer curiosity.

Grandma had sarcoidosis, and she had experienced lung failure, so she had a good bit of fluid on her lungs. In order for her to breathe on her own without any help at all, they had to suction the fluid off her lungs. When they do this, they stick a tube in your nose, and channel it down to your lungs. Not a comfortable procedure. Now, mind you, I didn't like seeing my Grandmother being what I call "tortured" but the first nurse that did this procedure was so gentle and helped Grandma get through the procedure. She did it slowly, and would stop if Grandma started crying.I stood beside her, and tried to act as stoic as I could, as she held my hand and stared deep into my eyes, with this look like 'help me, please.' She really didn't understand what was going on. Yes, it broke my heart to see her cry and in pain. No one will ever know what was going through my mind. I just had to wait until it was over, my mom and Meghan came back in to settle her, and comfort her. I just left and found the nearest bathroom, and I cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

Hadn't she suffered enough?

The second time they did this procedure, I thought, well, I didn't like watching it the first time, but she needs someone to hold her hand. I mustered up all the strength, and put on that 'big girl' face, and I grabbed Grandma's hand as he prepared to do the procedure. This time around it was a man, and before he even started the procedure, he had already irritated me. Now, I get extremely protective over family, and no one, I mean no one, does anything to them. I steamed my face up, and kept my mouth shut, again, I knew she needed me. I will never forget this, ever. He was so rough with my precious Grandma. He just shoved that tube in her nose, and down her throat to her lungs. She tried to talk, but she couldn't. I had to look away. It burned me up. Grandma just looked at me, and she had the biggest tears I have ever seen, just falling down her face. One after another, and I couldn't even wipe them away.

Why?

I have nightmares of this man. I really do. I didn't even wait for that prodedure to be over, and I started crying. He said, "I warned you, you shouldn't have stayed." I told him, no, I told you I had already seen the procedure be done. I am upset because of how rough you were with her. I said she has been through enough. Can you not have some mercy? He just shook his head. As if I were crazy, and he just didn't care. I knew right then, when I am a nurse, I will never treat a patient without compassion, and always treat their family with kindness. People don't realize what all you go through watching a loved one suffer, and nearly die many times. The emotional pain, is often more than one can bear.

All this time, I can remember just watching my family. It was always, Mom, Dad, Me, Meghan, Charles, Tillman, and Jenny at the hospital. Grandpa would come here and there, but he couldn't stay long due to his parkinsons. We all took turns staying the night. She was never alone. I remember watching my Father, this was his mother he was watching suffer. The one who always took care of him, and made sure he didn't suffer. This time, there was nothing he could do, there was nothing anyone could do.

It was all in God's hands.

I have always looked up to my Dad. He is just an amazing man, and father. One day he will truly be rewarded for his good works, and his love for all. As his own mother was going through all this, Dad remained so strong, or atleast he appeared strong. I looked up to him for that. Me, I was an emotional basket case. I couldn't function to save my life. Now, when I needed to be there for Grandma, I would, I knew when to turn my feelings off. That is a beautiful gift I have been given. I am weird, yes, make me mad, I turn my emotions off. Just like that, poof. If I were in the room with her, I could contain myself, but anywhere else, I couldn't. I was depressed, we all were. I didn't like crying in front of people, so I would go walk, and find somewhere that I could be alone. Me and God had many conversations this way.

'The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry...

Psalm 34:15

The Lord was good to us during these times. He gave us the strength to go on, and to tackle each new day that was given to us. We trusted that God would take Grandma's sweet precious body in His hands and heal her. Whether he healed her physically, or spiritually (by bringing her home with Him) we just wanted what was in His will. We wanted her to stop suffering.

Grandma was finally moved out of the ICU, and into an area where they would do rehabilitation, and determine where we were as far as the cancer is. I can remember her mental and physical state was very fragile. She was physically there, she was my Grandmother, yes, but her mind was not all back. At times, she reminded me of a small child, not knowing. We never gave up on her, day by day, we stayed by her side, and helped her come out of this state. We talked to her, and told her stories, and talked about things to help her remember her family and the things in her life.

We told her how when she was so sick in the ICU someone was always with her. She would say, I didn't know y'all loved me that much. We did, we loved her more than she could ever know. She was our precious gem. I told her how I would sit in the room with her and just sing, I would sing hymns over and over again, and just watch her monitor. We even told her how Meghan and I painted her toe nails, and washed her hair. She would just smile.

Grandma stayed at Peidmont for another few weeks while they worked on her strength. They couldn't keep her there to do the extensive rehabilitation she needed so they transported her to a nursing home. Luckily, it was one right down the street from where my Grandfather lived, which is not far from my home either. Me and Meghan would go see her every Sunday afternoon. I even had my sunday school kids make her cards and draw her pictures, so I could hang them on the wall in her room. She was delighted to see the pretty pictures accompanied by a bible verse. I would go several times a week and just sit with her, or accompany her as she went to her rehabilitation.

Several weeks passed and she had to go see her oncologist. It had been nearly a month and a half since her surgery. Due to all her complications, they were unable to start any chemo or radiation. No one knew what had happened with the cancer. I remember that day. I went with them to help our with Grandma. At this point, she was pretty much herself, she just couldn't physically do the things she had done before. She needed some help walking, and doing other things. After the oncologist did his examination, he met with My Grandmother, Grandpa, Me, and Dad in his office. He informed us that the cancer had gone too long untreated. He didn't give us much hope. He told us Grandma would need extensive chemotherapy, and radiation to even try to get all the cancer. He was very uncertain. This didn't give us much hope, but our God is real, and nothing is impossible with Him. Again, I chose to be optimistic.

This was the start of a very traumatic, and emotionally draining journey.

'We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.

Hebrews 3:14

Knowing Him

2008-11-15T00:56:00.000-05:00

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield."
Psalm 33:20

I am absolutely certain that coming to know Him as He really is will bring unfailing comfort and peace to every troubled heart...
- H.W. Smith

Knowing Him. Such a beautiful phrase. I love my Father, I truly do. His love surrounds me each and every time I simply take a breath. By His grace, and His grace alone, He enables me to even take a breath. I truly am overwhelmed with His mercy and grace.
His mercy is endless.
His love is more than satisfying. If we would just surrender to His love, one could only imagine the pure, and undying love He has for each one of us.
I often find myself thinking about His love. I long to be even closer to Him. I long to feel the great lengths of His perfect arms. I want to know what it feels like to be engulfed in His arms. He is my shield and my protector.
It takes time to come to this knowing. I had to fall down to my knees, and be at my lowest point before I truly knew God's love for me. Yet, I am still so far away, and I fail Him each and everyday.
The more I long to know Him, and be closer to Him, the dirtier I feel. The more I feel unworthy of His love, and ashamed of how I have loved Him. Why would he want to love me? Then he lays it all out like a brick wall.

"Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say:
Here am I."
Isaiah 58:9

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."
1 John 4:10

When I think about how I have spent so little time with my Father, and how I have set Him aside so many times. I am embarrassed to say that I am a christian, knowing that I truly do not live a life pleasing to Him. The more I seek Him, the more ashamed I feel. He just keeps showing me how much He loves me. He shows me over and over again, that He has a plan, and I need to just let Him do His work.
My experience with my Grandmother was hard. It was tough, painful, stressful, wearisome, and draining. At times I wanted to turn my cheek and not know Him, because I didn't understand. I didn't want to love Him, because to me, He didn't love my precious Grandmother if He would allow this horrific disease to control her body.
I soon realized through His love, and perseverance, how gracious He truly is. There is a beautiful picture portrayed in this story. While I suffered much emotional agony, I was able to glorify God in return. I began to know how deep His love runs. Why would He send His only son to die for me? For my Grandmother? Or even for you? Why would He do all this? Only because His love is endless. His love is like nothing we could ever have imagined.
So why did my Grandmother have to fight a losing battle to cancer?
Why did Jesus die on the cross for your sins and mine?
Because it was all part of His plan.
We may not always see His plan, but it's there.
God had many plans to come from my Grandmother's experience, and from her death. Though it did not become apparent to me until much later, I know more is to come. I look forward to glorifying Him even more from my dealing with her death.
If Jesus hadn't of died on the cross for you and me, we wouldn't be here today. We wouldn't have the glorious opportunity to serve Him, and do His good will. You see, even when we can't see His plan, or don't understand His plan, we should trust Him. He has it all worked out.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:26

Weary

2008-11-14T01:58:00.000-05:00

'Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'

Matthew 11:28-29

Life can throw some tough one's at you. I remember those days when Grandma was in the ICU, on the respirator, and each day was not certain. I was so weary. I didn't know where the tears were coming from. I cried so much, I just knew I didn't have any more left.
The next three weeks proved to be a trying time for me. I struggled with my thoughts, and prayers. Grandma suffered from cardiac arrest, congestive heart failure, and sarcoidosis. I was determined I wasn't going to lose her.
I barely worked, and I missed many classes. I stayed by her side as much as I possibly could. We all did. The ICU waiting room became our new home, and we made friends with many grieving people. Saw some go, and some improve. It proved to be a very trying time.
I hated seeing her like this. I can remember so vividly all the machines, the sounds, and how her chest would rise so quickly and profoundly each time the machine would breathe for her. I remember how each time Meghan and I would both be in her room, we would talk about anything and everything loud enough for her to hear, and her vital signs would always go up. It was the weirdest thing. She loved hearing up talk. She would only do that with us and Dad. He was her baby, that was for sure.
I love to sing, and I believe music is good for your soul, and helps your heart heal. She always loved to hear me sing, so I would go sit in there, and sing every hymn I could think of. Some, over, and over again. I felt close to her when I did that, it comforted me.

Grandma meant the world to me. She was the strongest Christian woman I knew, and she devoted her life to the Lord. I have fond memories of her getting up each morning to read her bible. I would get up to get ready for school, and Grandma would be in her recliner drinking her coffee and reading.
I lived with her for about two years, on and off. I am so thankful for that time I had with her. I learned so much about her, and I was able to strengthen our relationship in many ways. She was a precious gem to my eyes, and I literally thought the world of her. She would do so many special things for me, like Grandmas always do. She will never know the impact she had one me. I love her dearly, and always will.
Grandma had faith like no one I have ever known before. As I continue to tell her story, you will be blown away by her strength and faith in God, even in her last days.
The Lord tells us to come to Him when we are weary. My thoughts, and prayers consumed Him during this time. He was my prime support. Without His love, I wouldn't have been able to get through the trying times we all faced. If we will just submit to His love, He will deal with our troubles. God will help us get through. We are always trying to 'understand' why things are going on. I found myself asking God "why" many times. Why does she have to suffer? Why did this have to happen to her? Why can't you just take her pain away? Why? Why is this happening?
God told me to trust Him. He helped me understand that I wouldn't always understand His reasoning for everything. He wanted me to trust Him, and let His will fall into place.
I love my God, and I learned the hard way how much He loves me.

"We love because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

* Grandma loved butterflies. That is why there is a butterfly at the beginning of this post. I always think of her when I see one.

The battle began...

2008-11-12T10:25:00.000-05:00

I will never forget that phone call. It was a normal day at work, back in May of 2006. My mom called me, as usual. I just figured she wanted to talk. She said have you got a minute, I need to talk to you about something. I knew immedieately something was wrong. She then tells me that my Grandmother has just been diagnosed with endometrial cancer. My heart literally fell to the floor. My Grandmother was very special to me, and I loved her dearly! I thought, NO! Cancer doesn't affect us, this can't be true. I just remember being in a daze the rest of the night.
At this point, we really didn't know much information. She was scheduled for a complete hysterectomy at the end of June. Right smack in the middle of our pre-planned Florida vacation. Of course, we were all for canceling the trip, or rescheduling. Grandma being who she was, made sure we went on our trip. She told us she would be fine, and there was absolutely no reason why we should go sit for hours while she was in surgery. We did come home a day early, which was the day she was having surgery. Needless to say, that was an extremely nerve-racking drive home. The trip wasn't your average relaxing Florida getaway either. We didn't know what to think. We only knew she would get the results of the stage and all the details (that we really didn't want to know) in just a few hours.
Finally, we get a report. Only to find news we didn't want to hear. Grandma's cancer was in stage 3 c. Those of you who don't know, that is pretty bad. In some cases, it means almost no hope. I chose to be optimistic.
This news was devastating to me. My biggest concern was how fragile my Grandma always seemed to me. She was very strong willed, and I knew she could put up a good fight, but I also knew how weak her precious body was. I knew she couldn't withstand chemo and radiation.
My heart was literally breaking for her. Little did I know, things were only going to get worse.
The surgery was done at Peidmont hospital in Atlanta, where she stayed 11 days after the operation. He small intestine didn't want to wake up like it is supposed too. When it started showing signs of activity, they released her.
We took her home to take care of her, where she just didn't seem like she was getting better. Each day she really appeared to get weaker. on Friday, Three days after she was released, my mom was staying the night with her, becuase she was so sick. Mom called me at work to let me know she was calling the ambulance because she was throwing up green bile. Not a good sign at all. The EMT's arrived just casually walking in, asking questions. They assumed mom just wanted someone to transport her to the emergency room, because she was unable to. Mom explained to them what was going on, they were like ok, we will take a look at her, but I doubt she is throwing up green bile. Just as they get in the room, she throws up some green bile right in front of them. Boy did that get them moving. She was transported to Douglas General, where they proceeded to do numerous tests and scans. After an exhausting 3 hours in the emergency room (it is now 4 a.m.) the doctors inform us that her small bowell has gone to sleep. In other words it is not working. They wanted to transport her back to Peidmont where they had all her information, and surgery records. My Dad stayed with her while we went home to get a few hours of sleep before returning to work.
Let me describe her appearance to you, so you can understand this whole experience a little bit more. She was extremely pale, had absolutely no energy. She couldn't even hold her head up. She was also in a good bit of pain.
They transported her to Peidmont and got her settled. She seemed to be doing a little bit better. Still exptremely weak, but they talked like things would be fine.
Sunday afternoon Me, Mom, and my Sister when to Peidmont and spent some of the afternoon with her. Like I said before, she seemed ok, just very lethargic.
Monday morning the hospital calls Grandpa to let him know she wasn't doing very well. Mom, Dad, and Grandpa headed to Peidmont. They told us to stay at home, thinking things would get under control. I get a phone call around 11 saying we really needed to head up there, that she just wasn't doing good. So I called work, and headed to the hospital with my 3 younger siblings. I was a nervous wreck, not really knowing what to expect. I ran into a bush backing out of my driveway, knocking my left side mirror nearly off. I know I scared them half to death. I nearly killed us several times driving to the hospital.
By the time we got there (within 35 mins) they had already admitted her into the ICU, for cardiac arrest and congestive heart failure. My mom and dad were waiting for us. They all had this look of not knowing on their faces. They wanted each of us to go in the room and just talk to her just in case things went for the worst. So I did. We all did.
(this is so painful to write about, even though it has been 2.5 years ago. I apologize if it is hard to follow) She didn't look too terrible yet, they were hooking her up to machines, but she was still coherent. She was able to talk to us some, she was just extremely weak. I can remember thinking, this is it. I just don't see how she can make it.
I remember walking out of the ICU area, and just being surrounded by white walls. I leaned up against the wall, and I just cried. I cried to my Lord Jesus. I told him to please not take her away. I kept saying, I can't live without her, please, please don't let this be it.
He wouldn't take her yet, but little did I know how much I would regret that prayer.
My Grandmother's battle with cancer, caused me to take a huge turn in my relationship with God.

Faith

2008-11-09T01:57:00.000-05:00

'Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.'
Hebrews 11:1

Faith. Faith is the biggest thing I struggle with. I am learning more and more as I get older that I need to stop trying to "understand" what God is trying to do, and just have faith. I know that with God, all things are possible - Philippians 4:13, so why would we not have faith?
To me it only makes since to ask.

I am human, I am not perfect, so one can only assume that I won't have faith all the time. I love my Lord and Savior. I truly do, and I know that I fail Him every day. I strive to live a life pleasing to Him, and I know when I am wrong. See, that is the beauty of being a child of God. He has given us the ability to sin, and ask for forgiveness. When I know I do something I shouldn't do, I know my Father will lovingly forgive me. Once He has forgiven me, I know that He still loves me and won't hold a grudge against me.
I have been through some rough roads with my Lord and Savior. He has always been there for me. His love never ceases to amaze me. He is always there, even when I don't feel Him. Just when I think He is not there, He reminds me that I am still engulfed in His great arms of love. He never let's go. If it weren't for God, I wouldn't be where I am today.
Not too long ago, I was straying away from Him, miserably. I was angry at Him, and I kept getting angrier. Nothing made me happy, and I explored anything and everything I could get my hands on to satisfy my sadness, and loneliness. These things, I am very ashamed of.
My Grandmother died in January of 2007. She lost a gruesome battle to endometrial cancer. I was extremely close to her, causing her experience, and death to impact my life in ways I didn't know were possible. One day I will share her story. For tonight, I just wanted to introduce my story.